I just feel...

An excerpt from a miscellany I wrote a few years ago. The topic was an intense emotion and I chose anxiety.

I feel like I want to cry. One look can feel like it drains your soul.

I never feel adequate but I am told not to allow myself to be walked over. This makes no sense! If I don't feel very high then how can I act it? I hate charades but this is what life is turning into. Opinions are good for those who can defend themselves, but for those who can't they are tools for their own demise.

I just feel so alone and rejected. That look he gave me! How could he? I know how people feel now and I can’t believe I didn’t pity them before. I now know that he can be quite ruthless. It was a look of complete distaste. I can't get it out of my head. I wanted to run but I couldn't it made me sink down. It has brought back so many feelings. I don't understand this!!! It's like I have been hit by so many emotions at once and I want to explode. But I can't. So I will just sink away.

I really don't understand now. How? Why would... they say the eyes are a window to the soul. If they feel what they portrayed then I am very afraid. It brought tears to my eyes. THIS IS WHY I TRY TO LAY LOW AND NOT MAKE DECISIONS!!! I hate it when people get upset and fight especially when it is with me or directed towards me.

I feel satisfied but strangely empty. This always follows finishing something. Maybe that is why it is so hard for me to finish projects.

Once again I feel drained. These emotions leave just as fast as they come. Leaving a sticky residue that acts as a sort of lock on my heart and preventing me from letting anyone back in. I know this is wrong to keep people away like this. 

I feel so scared. I’m afraid of the rejection I felt as a child. I’m afraid of pouring my life into someone just to have them hurt me later on. I can’t live like this.

I feel an immense fear at the brink of confrontations. I may seem bold in my blogs but spoken words tend to be more difficult.

I feel really uncomfortable when people are upset. Especially when they are not quite mad but just more perturbed, I hate it even more.

I feel so much frustration. When I know that I can't fix it I tend to get emotionally detached and go into a shell. Sometimes it is hard for me to come back out.

I feel so detached. I hate this.

I feel just nothing except disgust at a lack of feeling. This is in a way worse than being extremely perturbed or sad. I just know that if I don't stop I'll go somewhere I don't want to be. I got in the habit of doing this with my mother due to her frequent emotional outburst. I know it isn't good. It’s not like I care what people think of him or anything like that I wasn't even mad about the negative opinions. (Although it was slightly annoying) I just didn't like the intense, uncontrolled emotion.

I feel uncomfortable. I just wanted it to be over. All I could think about was making it stop. I didn't know how to make that happen so I detached myself from the entire thing thus detaching myself from all emotion as well. It is almost depressing. It feels like I can't breathe. I really need to work on this. I know I can't just run from high emotional situations forever. You see when these said situations involve me I tend to just give up and stop what ever in order to get out but when it is not about me I can't do that. I feel lost so I just run by emotional detachment.

I feel like I want to sleep forever…

Currently A Farewell to Arms - For Whom the Bell Tolls 2 Vol. Set By Ernest Hemingway see related

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

            In the novel For Whom the Bell Tolls, Pilar is probibly the most likeable character. She exhibits many popular traits such as strength, ability to speak well, and wisdom. Some Pilar had a tremendous affect on the plot of the book. Many critics believe that smooth words had the most influence. However, it is her actions not words that have the most influence; this is shown through her manipulation of Robert Jordan and Pablo.

            Pilar does many things to manipulate Robert Jordan. She, first of all, gains his trust by aiding in sewing his packs. These packs are extreamly important to the plot of the story. If they had not been mended there would have been no way for the explosives to be carried down to the bridge in order to blow it up. If the bridge had not been destroyed then Anselmo would not have been killed. Anselmo’s death contributed to the losses felt by Robert Jordan that are signified in the title. Another way Pilar manipulates Robert through her actions is when she foretells of his and Maria’s relationship. This aids their receptiveness toward each other. Eventually Maria and Robert enter into an electric sexual relationship in which they claim the earth seems to move when they make love.

            Pablo is manipulated by Pilar in many ways. It is not far into the novel that we learn of the band of guerrillas’ true leadership. Pablo, in fact, only leads in name, and it is his wife Pilar who makes all the decisions. It is Pilar who get Pablo to agree to helping Robert Jordan. She, having more wisdom that her husband, sees that Robert is truly attempting to help their people and is not really a spy. When Pablo cannot unite the band on his own, Pilar does so easily through her “taking over” of the true leadership.  Because she then convinces Pablo to make wise decisions the band is united as a family and is able to provide Robert with the support he requires.

            Had it not been for Pilar’s manipulation of Robert Jordan and her husband Pablo many events in the novel may not have even occurred. Robert and Maria’s relationship may have never occurred. Anselmo would not have died. The bridge Robert was sent to destroy would never have been blown up. Most importantly, the band of guerrillas would not have been united enough to provide the necessary support for Robert. Pilar truly influenced the plot by her actions.

Currently The Prince By Niccolo Machiavelli see related

A Hidden Parody

            The book The Prince came about at a time where literature, science, and art were flourishing in Italy. It was, in a way, the center of modern thought and the origin of religious changes. Although Italy was flourishing it was secretly corrupt. Italy was supposed to be a republic, to be ruled by its most prominent citizens, but in fact it was ruled instead by Medici Family. Machiavelli was affected by this corruption in his work The Prince it shows his idea of how one might attain this political power through the types of armies that should be desired and the proper behavior of a prince.

            In Machiavelli’s time the army was a nation’s chief line of defense. Therefore he would have viewed an army as a necessity to attaining political power. He displayed this in chapters twelve through fourteen. Machiavelli describes four types of armies. The first are mercenaries. These are soldiers whom one would hire from another nation but because they don’t have the strong pull of nationalism he describes them as unreliable and therefore dangerous to use in important battles. The second type is auxiliaries. These are soldiers that are literally on loan from another ruler. While these are safer than mercenaries they are still unreliable.  The third type is the most desirable. These are armies composed of ones own citizens. Not only do they have the strong pull of nationalism but they will fight harder because they are protecting their own families and land. The last kind of army described is one composed of mixed troops from one’s own nation and also from other nations. This is more reliable than the first two but because of the influence of foreigners can become disloyal.

            Growing up under the Medici family Machiavelli had plenty of opportunities to observe and critic their behavior. In a way, chapters fifteen through twenty-three parody the behavior of a greedy ruler. Machiavelli described six main behaviors that are necessary to come into and keep power. The first is to be stingy rather than generous. Second one must be cruel and unmerciful. Third one doesn’t have to keep promises if they doing so would go against ones own interest. Fourth one must at all cost avoid being hated and despised. One wants to keep the will of the people on one’s side to avoid an uprising. Next one must do great things to gain a good reputation. One might go about this by undertaking great projects in the interest of the people. Therefore a nation could appear to be flourishing and supporting the arts and sciences but in reality be supporting the ruler. Finally one must avoid those who flatter and choose wise consorts.

            Machiavelli used his book The Prince to describe the traits of a powerful ruler, from the types of armies to have down to the desired behaviors. In a certain light one might even say that The Prince was a description of the Medici family. It brings light to the fact that even though Italy appeared flourishing it could in fact have been a tactic to stay in power. Even so it brought us amazing works that still resound today.

Currently The Decameron: A New Translation (Norton Critical Editions) By Giovanni Boccaccio see related

In a name

            Often stories can have deeper psychological meanings that are not at first noticeable. This is true for the Decameron. In the ninth story of the fourth day this is shown through the names of the characters and metaphorical language.

            In the story the Guillaume de Roussillon’s wife is cheating on her husband with Guillaume de Cabestanh. If you notice they have the same first name. This implies that they are not really two different people but just different parts of the same person. The wife loves her husband, but she cannot and will not love all of him. The slight variance in last names shows the difference in the parts.

            The husband is so jealous that his wife only loves one part of him that he kills off the other in an attempt to force her to love the other part of him. The fact that he is forcing her to eat her lover’s heart metaphorically shows that she is having a taste of what she loves for the last time. It also symbolizes the death of that particular part of him. However she responds badly to this and chooses her own death instead of living with one whom she does not love. In the end it may seem odd that she is buried with her lover instead of her husband. This is to reinforce that the lover is just another part of her husband.

            The similarity in names shows that the two men are the same and so does the eating of the heart and where the wife is buried. So as one can see a deeper psychological meaning is revealed about the identity of the lover.

Currently Catullus: The Complete Poems (Oxford World's Classics) By Catullus see related

Perversion of the gods

            Throughout literature gods have appeared as a device of salvation to mortals. This is not the only manifestation. Another side of the gods that has an even greater affect on mortals is the temptation brought on by them. Even in the bible we are shown examples of this. King Solomon was tempted by other gods and it caused his heart to be hardened.  In the works Catullus, The Odyssey, and The Epic of Gilgamesh the gods often present themselves as temptation to the mortals.

            In Catullus the gods contribute to the temptation of Lesbia and Catullus, although not in a direct way. Catullus offers up many prayers to the gods to bless and keep his relationship with Lesbia. This is seen particularly in poem 76. The gods fail to do this and Lesbia leaves Catullus and goes on to many more lovers. As a result Catullus becomes hardened and harbors resentment towards Lesbia. This is seen in poem 75.  Eventually Catullus has enough of Lesbia’s abuse and begins to hate her. This is particularly shown in poem 85 where Catullus states that he both hates and loves. As a result of his hate we find out that he is in torment. If the gods had not forsaken Catullus and stopped Lesbia from committing infidelity then Catullus would not have ever hated nor would he be in emotional torment.

Another work where the gods tempted mortals is the Odyssey. The role of the goddess is supposed to be that of a supernatural being whose job it is to help mortals. However in the Odyssey we quickly see that this is not the case. Odysseus’s temptation comes mainly in the form of physical pleasure. One instance is Circe’s island. Here Odysseus has every physical pleasure provided for him. He has all the food he desires, he is given immortality, and he gets to have sex with a beautiful goddess. For a year he falls to this temptation and Circe succeeds in delaying him form returning to his wife. Another example of the temptation of a goddess is the situation with Calypso.  Here she appeals to his physical side just as Circe did. This time Odysseus falls to the temptation for ten years. Once again a goddess is responsible for delaying Odysseus’s journey home. In both of these cases the goddesses, by typical standards, should have been aiding Odysseus in returning to his wife and upholding the sacredness of marriage, not violating the union with infidelity.

In the Epic of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh’s mother is the one who does the tempting. She prays for her son to have a restless heart in order to save him from Humbaba. This plan foils due to the nature of Gilgamesh. He was a very wicked man abusing and suppressing his people. Therefore, for him a restless heart was too much to handle. We see this in book three where Shamash promises her that he will watch out for Gilgamesh's life but instead of Gilgamesh being warned he grows over confident and decides to go on his journey to the cedar forest anyway. This was a temptation of pride and Gilgamesh fell to it. In the beginning of this story we learned that he is two parts god and one part human. We also learn of his wickedness. Knowing that Gilgamesh is not fully human and that he is extremely wicked Shamash caused Gilgamesh to fall to the temptation of becoming prideful by giving him the restless heart.

Even though one might think that god and goddess’s help and guidance has a great effect on mortals, one can clearly see that their temptation causes an equal amount if not more trouble. In many cases such as the Odyssey the mortals would have been better off and lived much happier lives if it were not for the intervention. The gods in Catullus, Circe and Calypso in the Odyssey, along with Gilgamesh’s mother and Shamash in Gilgamesh all impeded the lives of the very mortals they were there to protect. Whether the temptation appealed to the emotional, physical, or to the ego in every situation it caused mortals to stumble.